Tuesday, 07 April 2009

• Sometimes, you can't have it all.

  I love being married! I can honestly say that I am in the happiest time of my entire life. I love spending time with my husband and getting to know him more, connecting more intimately and deeply, and growing both as individuals and together. I love that we're each other's #1 fans, falling in more love with each other every day.
  
  At the same time, there are moments where I am lonely. Not necessarily lonely in the physical sense of being alone. It's more like a little emptiness because things changed. And I miss seeing my family everyday, or seeing my old church friends twice a week.
  
  Seems like people assume when you're married that you're not capable of being lonely unless you are physically alone...and since people usually assume you spend most of your time with your spouse, they also assume you aren't lonely.
  
  I remember maybe like 3 or 4 years ago, it was Sunday at lunchtime and a dozen or so of us were crowded around a table at a Chinese restaurant, laughing and enjoying our time together. As I looked around, I remember thinking to myself, "Remember this moment, where we're all single, good friends, having a great time. It won't be like this forever." I did treasure the moment. But, as it turned out, things changed.
  
  I was having lunch with Anita today and she said she's really glad that we're both married because we're better able to understand some of the struggles that comes with marriage. I felt really thankful to have her friendship and blessed to share in the same life stage together, too. She knows what I mean about loneliness.
  
  My sister told me once that marriage, as much as it is about beginnings, it's also about saying goodbye and letting go. Letting go of the life and relationships that have to change once you get married. Realizing that things aren't exactly the same as before, and that people aren't going to see you the same way.
  
  And that process is lonely.

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